It's been a while. I haven't posted on my own site in about a month. In that time I've not only met some cool people, but I've lost them all the same. I've made so many mistakes over the course of just a single day and it's insane. The upbeatness of the main page and about me is just a facade. It's not the real me. Anybody who knows me that reads this will know what I mean. I'm a fraud. I'm not some haha uwu girl that is always happy. I'm a jealous, bitter, and hurtful person and the world deserves to know that. Luna Silvana may be the name I push out there but nothing with change my roots. My name is Elisha Quiang Terron Rogers, and I live on the small island of St. Croix, and have been living here my whole life.
In my younger years I was a mostly alright kid; I got good grades and everyone thought I was a cute child. My shortcomings came with my short temper, as I would often do terrible things when I didn't get what I wanted all the time. At age 7 or 8 I was already telling people that I hoped they killed themselves and causing bodily harm to others.
I used to visit my Dad sometimes. It would be in the summer and I enjoyed being with my Dad, but he was never a good father. He left my life as soon as he came in, and my mother was left to raise 3 children on her own. There was never even a marriage.
As I grew older, I grew more distant from my family (including my newfound step father and little sister). I stayed in my room all the time playing video games on my iPad. Sweaty, angry, and sleep-deprived, I'd keep going and going until my parents started restricting my access to my devices. I would always find a way around the punishment, and eventually my parents gave up. Soon I became addicted to porn. I could tell the difference between reality and fiction, but it was all just a routine to me. It still is. Everything is.
Puberty came. I had finished junior high school and was happy about achieiving another scholastic milestone. Soon enough the idea of online school was brought up. I was hesistant, and wanted to think about it. I went anyways. I finished by the end of that same year of graduation.
January 2020 rolls around and I'm in University. Time passes. I lose motivation bit by bit as I begin realizing what I sacrificed. Old friendships, and healthy ones to come. So I turned online in search of someone who would give me what I wanted.
Eventually I found him. He treated me nice and made me happy. Then he asked for an open relationship. I was saddend and couldnt believe it. The twist is that I had been cheating already with someone I had lost a bet to. He was understanding after the breakup and always knew what to say. I met his other partners. I was a little uncomfortable but I befriended them and warmed up to the idea. I was with him. We had our ups and downs but we loved each other. If only I knew what would come of us.
My jealousy would come out often, and we would argue. I signed up for the contract, yet I was unhappy. I got close to his partners, and even took a romantic interest in some. I became obsessive: one attachment after the other. People came and went, often due to issues with me. I was toxic but I couldnt see it. One of them was of pure heart, and I loved them dearly. My issues would rear its ugly head and ruin it over and over until it was too late.
One of them I had loved dearly as well. He was a keeper, but my mental instability ruined it. I had gotten so angry that I said I would rape him like his Granfather had. I said I hoped that he would kill himself and show me. I lost everything. I was aimless. But they gave me another chance.
During this I had found the one. K. K was alright but had their issues. I realized I was incapable of helping them in my current state and avoided them.
Then M came along, and she was perfect. The only one I could ever ask for. But I was still obessive and jealous. I had saved her but in the process made her life miserable. This is where I am now. I will try to fix it, but my past will always follow me. I will never be able to fully escape my demons, and I will never forgive myself for what I've done.
Someway, somehow.... I have to fix this.